Helium Smile

Sometimes when it seems you have nothing you have this moment, this lovely perusal, this luxurious absorption detached in obscurity. It's a form of spaghetti to be this inquisitive. The carpet insists that cat be up there on a desk and I understand this it has a certain pungency, an easy pulse to comb with a checkered tongue. I’ve got things in my pocket and a book with bitter flames describing the plight of humanity. I am near it all in a kind of trance. Our constant hula is one among many contingencies. To the east is an armchair beyond our most keen imagining, and to the west lies the spoor of a hot tiara. Beyond what our needs radiate, there is a regatta during sunset, the air twisting in golden arenas. It’s just a matter of singing. 

I'm unanimous in space. I resuscitate prongs. Disorder cooks my rapture. Complexity effaces everything I gratify with puppets. I get my kicks whenever and wherever I can. I'm an early pilgrim on a rusty fiasco. Trademarks oboe my mold. The cork is illiterate but the bottle is calm. Wild horses peddle the sideshow into ubiquity. We all want a look on the other side of death. It’s a kind of obligation to kiss your ass goodbye. And why not? The nomenclature surrounding anything neon gets my juices going. Let me be clear: it is in the nature of logic to defeat the squeak of combustion. I’ve always wanted to be a counterpart to its tumultuous happenstance. If I must, I shall subsist in a glamour of my own undoing, running a comb across all the indications, intermingling my fiber with the dromedary stars.

What you see here is more than a mood, it’s a disposition based on qualia, the sizzle of a roadside grill where the menus have been carpentered by a keen understanding of food coupled with a flair for exotic phenomena at the fringes of perception. I often feel as if a chance to rub shoulders with plums has been squandered on apples. And despite the clear advantage of an awning, I can't explain sauerkraut. I find it easier to explain the Dirac equation than chili powder. I am at one with the universe but hopelessly confused when it comes to genderless bathrooms. Marcel said something the other day which unraveled one enigma and then raised another. He said things that have a definite, concrete value like commercial success or acquiring a practical skill are less alluring than phantom enticements. Things without status. Things without prestige or stature. And so it comes to this. It arouses a hunger I can’t explain. And it’s never on the menu.

Royalty requires trumpets. Not the sweetly muted trumpet of Miles, but the blaring instruments of empire. Poetry has a royal heart but a healthy distrust of empire. It’s an aristocracy of spirit. Cowboy coffee. Milieus of lapidary fire. Those whose hearts have been pierced with poetry launch themselves into the boundless space of an authentic existence. Tiny holes or corkscrews for privileging spit over punctuation. The croak of a radish morning is a thesis of dirt. And so the unsung provocations of a fatigued defiance schleps through the shallows of a long imperial limbo looking for an exit. Splish splash the labial jab of nothingness causes all pandemonium to break loose into trance. Iridescent irises dilate with the shine of sunyata. I want to disband the football team and walk into presumption like a science based on crying. Disavow the novel of today for the novel of tomorrow. Which will be written by cats. On steroids and meth. This will enhance my rapport with sockets and become a glamour of tingling expectations. The voltage of metaphor powering alchemical blenders. Interstellar oysters in dynasties of coral. The peevish etiquette of traffic lights sobbing legacies of mechanical duality. The carnival world bursting into polyneuronal innervation. Extraocular muscles tactile eyes. Groundbreaking gypsum genitalia grammar. Hydrogen halo. Helium smile. 

Some Assembly Required

In the morning, after I brush my hair and brush my teeth, I take my partial out of a jar filled with Efferdent and water and stick it in place between two upper molars on the right side of my mouth. Then I put my hearing aids in and I’m complete. Ready to tackle the problems of existence with a modicum of dignity and a crude understanding of empirical reality. It’s a process of assembly in which I put the parts of myself together with syntax and bombast. Put one foot forward, and head into the mist.

Sometimes, I think this ache that develops over time is a true evaluation of life in one’s so-called twilight years, a yearning with no definition, no familiar chords. Just enough will to keep on keeping on and stow the fires and flutter one’s wings. Those of us fated to live in the stratosphere learn, over time, that it’s better to nod and smile in agreement than pontificate in the lumberyard. There’s more to the fingering of little facts than meets the eye. The useless quibbling that passes for conversation these days is better left to its own devices. It’s a drag on the energy. What you want is a button to press, a napkin next to your plate and a natural inclination with which to unravel in front of a fire.

Conveniences are good. I don’t like being inconvenienced. But they do happen. Annoyances, encumbrances, privations, delays. The tensions of air travel. You go to Paris. Your luggage goes to Bora Bora. What I advise is to cultivate a philosophy, a mode of perception that allows one to drift beyond the foam of surveillance and touch the contrasting parts of an animal’s body without flinching. Get close to things. Get intimate with the liniment. Take a hint from whatever can be picked up or thrown. Try a little tenderness. It’s what sustains us.

Pay attention to a woman’s mood when she gets out of the shower.

I’m pulling a word out of the air to give it a pulse and a beat and a perpendicular choreography. Around here, we cement the guidance of the local gods to soften it. There’s more to prose than being nervous about it. If the writing goes too fast, it’s an industry. If the mountains are near the house, it’s a force you can use. Remember: the ear is close to the mind. You don’t need a paddle to make a cup of coffee. Just a pot and a filter. Use patience. Stay loose. The mind dries things. Eat a hammer and sew something. Embellish the things you esteem with the grace they deserve. Let the colors on your nails clash with another like boomerangs in an accordion. Cut to the energy, once you’ve created a situation. It's good knowing my horses there, and a harness and saddle. You’ve got to be quick out here. Alert for signs. Quick to spit. Slow to comply.

“Perception should lead directly and immediately to another new perception.” – Charles Olson.

“Let the sense find the element.” – Robert Creeley

“The cost of sanity in this society, is a certain level of alienation” – Terence McKenna.

“I feel stupid and contagious.” – Kurt Cobain

It’s in the sounds, and what they can grab. French dip sandwiches, the push of a good strong wind, headlights coming out of the night like Van Gogh’s stars. A middle-aged woman at the end of the bar bursting out in laughter. The peremptory gratification of a boiling fingernail. Art for Art’s Sake. A YouTube video of Jackie DeShannon singing “Over You” on Hollywood A Go Go. Ezra Pound staring out the window of St. Elizabeth’s Hospital. The graces of the Eastern Mind. The scrapes of the Western Mind. At 78 one should be on one’s way to more than mere conjecture. The world gets real. Gets real in ways I never expected. And ways in which I did expect it, for years, lying awake at night, searching for options. “And around the mind the image is the darkness it can find.” Wrote Creeley. There was a time when the hit songs were vital to one’s well-being and full of prophesy. I remind myself that there’s still a possibility in the word impossibility. Whatever words are capable of, the sum and substance of it will be revealed where the sounds break, and the weaving in and out, the warp and woof, reach out in different ways to sustain itself. What sleeping takes away the light of day restores. And there you have it. A two room jewel in brick, with a garden, heliotropes and hellebore. Guano on all the rocks. Swallows in the barn. A sideshow balanced on predicates. And kinetics all over the place, for the hell of it.

 

Some Recent Events In The Language Zoo

Consciousness acts as an internal and subjective screen, which is blurred and distorted at times by the shadows of an imaginary cage. Routine, incuriosity, obedience, insecurity, lack of imagination are the chains that keep us in place. This isn't anything new. I think Rilke did a better job illustrating this with his panther, the animal turning in circles, over and over again, “the movement of its powerful and supple steps resembling a ritual dance around a center where a powerful will remains paralyzed.” I remember seeing a civet cat at the zoo behaving the same way. There were no bars. The animal was behind glass. There had been some effort to provide an environment of some assumed familiarity to the animal, vines, branches, woodchips, mulch, but this was of no apparent interest to the cat, whose frantic pacing occurred close to the glass wall. The energy was so intensely frustrated, so deeply neurotic, it was painful to watch. I marvel at Rilke’s poem, which is in itself a panther, a muscularity of spirit trapped in a cage of words.

Words are acculturating things. I don’t know where they come from, how they first arrived, the sounds our simian ancestors made that somehow, weirdly, began to assume meaning, the power to convey images and associations. I’m bet it was fun. Everyone rolling in the dirt with laughter. I want to get back to that point. Like they did for a brief time in Zurich during Dada. Then, inevitably, as the words evolved and matured they assumed the stature of norms. They helped create laws. They became scripture, ceremonies, rituals, chants, religions and beliefs. Consciousness became structured. It became a house. But still, there was that tendency, that glorious penchant to drift, morph like clouds into reveries of pregnant irrelevance.

I’ve often thought what it would be like to think without words. Maybe it’s a circumstance somewhat akin to following Ikea instructions for assembling a desk or a coffee table. Skipping the verbal instructions and studying the pictures, the screws and parts. Or rock climbing. Figuring out where to put your feet and hands when you’re 500 feet above the ground on a rock wall. You’re probably not going to be mulling over a soliloquy from Hamlet or King Lear, or wooing granite with a feeling invocation of ivory vowels and effervescing prestidigitations of verbal acuity. They’ll be whirling in your mind as you plummet to the ground. 

In the spring of 1974, I took a class in James Joyce at San José State. It was mind-blowing, a game changer. Ulyssess rocked me silly into an intoxication with the English language that was still blazing among my neurons a year or so later when I got a job as a messenger-driver in a hospital in Seattle. It was a highly social job since I had a daily route in which I visited a number of offices during the day. I dated one of the women who worked in one of the offices. I took her to the Red Robin on Eastlake, which has now gone, replaced by an apartment complex. It was a casual restaurant that served hamburgers and fish and chips and also had a bar. At some point in our conversation, and rather unprompted by anything I’d been espousing at the table, she asked me if I intended to put people down by using such big words all the time. I was stunned. No, of course not, I said, as my chances of getting laid came flaming down like a Sopwith Camel from the sky over France in WWI. I really had no idea that people were reacting that way to my continuing intoxications with Ulysses and Finnegans Wake. I felt chagrined and embarrassed. The date was essentially just an ambush. I returned to work a much quieter, and sadder, man.

My dalliance with literature became a private affair. In some ways good, but in many ways bad. I’d wrongly assumed that the liberation I’d found in poetry ran parallel to other people’s experience. This is a big mistake in the United States. Polysyllabic words can get you punched in the face. I’ve been slammed into a Christmas tree, withered to the ground by looks of such hostility I felt more sympathy for the pained expression of the person I’d accidentally abused with a savagely eloquent expression. It’s important to remember: people hate their jobs. They don’t need a carnival sideshow of useless language complicating their day. There’s a reason people hate lawyers. They hate writers and poets even more.

And so I write. I feel safe to do so in a room with no one else around to feed me a fist sandwich. There are small tribes of people, à la the encampments in François Truffaut’s Fahrenheit 451, that love the written word so much they’ve memorized entire novels, whole volumes, caressing the words as they utter them in the isolate air. I still remember Bill Gate’s gloating prediction in the 1990s that computers would render books nearly extinct early in the 21^st century. I hoped he would be proven wrong, that bookstores and libraries would rally to the cause and fan the flames and make a supremely heroic effort to keep book culture alive, a vibrant alternative running parallel to the brain-rotting addictions of the internet and social media. This did not happen. By the end of the noughts, bookstores had become eviscerated. They often had more T-shirts and coffee mugs on display than books, or shelf-loads devoted to manga while a philosophy section might consist of 12 or 13 books. Libraires, meanwhile, have had their budgets so brutally slashed that their collections are as moldy and undernourished as a poorly maintained mushroom cellar.

What effect has this had on consciousness? I can’t speak for other people. I don’t know what it looks like in their heads. I only know what comes out of their mouths.

I do know that since Covid censorship has returned, eating away at free speech like a cancer. This has been compounded – exponentiated – by the genocide in Gaza. In England, I could be arrested for using the word genocide in public. And in my personal life, nothing ends a conversation faster, or induces more nervous, fidgety, frightened and confused looks, then the use of that terrible word. I’ve lost long-standing friendships. I feel every bit as muzzled and shamed as when I began asking questions about the efficacy and safety of the Covid vaccines.

Consciousness has been shrinking. Conversations have grown stilted. Small talk has long replaced the rare, now-and-again joy of sometimes finding a fellow word-juggler at a social gathering, or those wine-infused jousts and debates over a dinner table that would sometimes go long into the night and leave you feeling pleasantly jostled and shaken into new vistas, new perspectives, your mind dilated like a night-blooming moonflower.

There’s a part of me, thank God, that feels separate from the world. When it comes to language, and my own practice of language, I’m not in a zoo. I’m in a wilderness. I’m in a mode of exploration. Because it’s endless. Boundless. This is the luxury of privacy. Language is primarily a social medium. That’s what it’s for: to connect. To strengthen ties. Poets work in solitude. This makes them dangerous. Language endures their perversions, their sorcery, and in return gives them the genius and agility to unlock the cages and let the panther mind roam free in open air.

Byzantine Sizzle

 We drift inevitably towards the future, that estuary, that vague abyss of false fortunes and illusory skills known as Vegas, that chasm in the face of the imponderable, that chameleon of time, pissing discreetly behind the peacocks in the museum parking lot.

What a thing to say. What can I say?     

I just want to say how happy I am that you’re here, reading this sentence, perhaps not as I wrote it, but as I wished to write it, which is to say it wrote itself, it was in the process of writing itself when I noticed my fingers moving about on the keyboard, and if it’s not too late in life to figure out Dirac’s equation, and what’s the big deal about spinning electrons?

Wikipedia will tell you that the Dirac equation is a relativistic wave equation derived by British physicist Paul Dirac in 1928. Relativistic wave equations predict the behavior of particles at high energies and velocities comparable to the speed of light. Particles are defined as small localized objects which can be described by several physical or chemical properties such as volume, density, or mass. They vary in size from subatomic particles like the electron to microscopic particles like atoms and molecules, to macroscopic particles like antifungal sprays for jock itch to rubber bands, crystals, ants, tiny robots, air inside a room, thistles, avocados, and hood ornaments.

An average adult human body is composed of seven octillion atoms. Sometimes you can feel them bouncing around like tennis balls in a clothes dryer. And sometimes they feel pleasantly and beautifully random, like Sonnets and Interludes for prepared piano, by John Cage.

In what way is it useful to predict the spin of electrons?

Spintronics: using electron spin states – up or down - for ultra-fast data storage and information processing. 

What a way to begin the morning.

These scientific terms always seem dry as biscotti. But there’s an accuracy there in which I find a healthy contrast to the surrounding malaise. An attempt to see wonder, disrobe a stunning mystery in the face of shock, murder, and paramilitary thugs.

Life expands as one gets older. If I'm feeling incongruous, I get some pepper and a hawk and go experiment with the world. While filling a vague space in the room, I help a fire touch us in a loop of spirit. Did you know green can define a distance? I see a theme forming. Abalone, hogwash and bees. That electric feeling people get in a grove of hives. Experience folds the webs we make into monstrous abstractions. All you need is a pair of hands and a hint of Byzantine sizzle. This device may help until some despair gets here. Until then, discuss the liberation with a cemetery. Because it’s coming. It’s on the way. Ask yourself: what is consciousness doing? I think it's coming along now. I can see it slipping out. Sparkling on the paper like a predicate.

 

Pirandello Zombie Crossing

There, inscribed on the top rim of my desk, is the indecipherable scripture of my cat Toby, who liked to scratch there. The desk is old. It belonged to my paternal grandmother. If I remember correctly, she ordered it from a Sears catalogue, circa the 1920s. My grandmother kept a diary there, mentioning the major events on the farm that she and my grandfather managed for decades: births, deaths, storms, visitors, elections, celebrations, accidents, prizes, harvests. I’ve been in possession of the desk for 51 years, though I remember writing an essay about Joyce’s Ulyssess for a class at San José State in 1973 when I was visiting my parents in Seattle for Christmas. I hitchhiked part of the way. I got as far as Redding. My last ride was a middle-aged man driving an enormous station wagon. This was in Ukiah. There was a long line of hitch-hikers. I stood at the head of the line. After the man had stopped for me, and I got in, I assumed he was going to pick up a few more people. But he didn’t. And this worried me. I kept a close eye on the doorhandle the entire way to Arcata. He asked if I wanted some amphetamine. I said no, but thanked him. I like amphetamines, but I didn’t want to hitchhike at night. He was a nice guy. He took me to the bus station in Arcata, but it was closed. He dropped me off on Highway 299 to Redding. I spent the night in a sleeping bag a few feet from the road. In the morning I got a ride with a truckdriver carrying a big load of logs. He dropped me off on I-5, headed north. I walked across the Sacramento River into Redding. A load of teenage kids threw a beer can at me. I took that as an act of mischievous ill will against hippies. But years later I realized that beer can was full. They were giving me a beer. Unfortunately, I’d tossed it into the Sacramento.

53 years later I sit at the desk writing this sentence on a laptop. I very rarely write in longhand. I do a lot of French exercises. My wife and I subscribe to an online computer-assisted language learning company featuring interactive videos of various difficulty levels and genres called Yabla. Today I’m doing an exercise on La Forêt de Fontainebleau. When people speak clearly and pronounce each syllable of each word, I can understand what they're saying. But the French have a tendency to speak at breakneck speed, often without fully vocalizing vowels and consonants, or skipping over words entirely, in which case I have extreme difficulty in understanding what they're saying. It's really frustrating. The one I’m doing today isn’t too bad. Two elderly people taking care of the trails in La Forêt de Fontainebleau. Au mois de décembre (in the month of December) y aura des nèfles (there will be medlars) et y en a beaucoup ici (and there’s a lot of them here) en attendant (meanwhile) ce sont les châtaignes (it’s chestnuts) et la récolte est bonne (and the harvest is good).

R interrupts me to tell me that she discovered a robin that appeared to be dead. She wants me to come and look at it. It’s resting on the milkbox on the porch, wrapped in a plaid, fur-lined coat. Sadly, it was immediately apparent that the bird was dead. Its one visible eye was wide open. If it were dead, the eye would be partially covered by an eyelid. Nor was it breathing, or any sign of a heartbeat. There was no sign of attack. We guessed that the bird froze. The temperatures have been below freezing, which is unusual for February. R buried the bird in the park, and hung two birdfeeders from the branches of some nearby trees.

I ran alone today. R went with a friend to attend the Northwest Flower & Garden Festival. When I got home, R — who had arrived a second or two ahead of me — told me she had a good time. I asked her how the lecture went. It was fascinating, she said. It was given by a professor of horticulture at Washington State University on the subject of soil science named Linda Chalker-Scott. R is enamored with dirt. Obsessed with it. Bewitched by its intricacies and contradictions. If a plant shows signs of disease, and a subsequent autopsy reveals significant root loss, or root damage, the first suspect in this sad scenario is dirt. Dirty dirt. Polluted dirt. Extremely compacted dirt. Dry dirt. Soaked dirt. Sticky dirt. Sandy dirt. Poorly structured dirt. Hydrophobic dirt. Really angry dirt. Lunatic dirt. Unhinged dirt. Imbalanced pH dirt. Anaerobic dirt. Claustrophobic dirt. Necrophobic dirt. Overly skeptical dirt. When dirt goes bad, R goes into emergency mode. It’s a situation that calls for an immediate search, a pilgrimage of nurseries in a quest for the Holy Grail of Dirt. Things to look for are chunks of dirt that are dark and crumbly and moist. There have been many disappointments. Dirt that looked good at the nursery and seemed like a good purchase but upon closer analysis betrayed a suspicious lack of merit. Dirt can be tricky. Dirt is the Pinot Noir of soils. It requires a good eye, a good sense of smell, and the eager curiosity of horticultural fingers. Because dirt, like wine, always feels good upon introduction. But further involvement can prove trying, and the consequences notoriously unpredictable.   

R asked me how my run went. I said fine. There were far fewer people than usual, probably because of the cold. I did see something intriguing. I saw a woman with long black hair walk down the steps of the Lake Union Building wearing a black jacket embroidered with the rib cage and spine of a human skeleton, rendered in a thick brilliant white fabric. She had just lit a cigarette and was probably on her way to her break. I wondered if she worked for a chiropractor. Maybe she was a chiropractor. Whatever she was she looked bad ass.

Tonight I’m looser than a hothouse twang. I feel as if I could decipher a dulcimer with a musical enema and a little judo. There are some things that should never be mentioned, which is itself unmentionable, and implies a tropical fever. But this isn’t one of them. This is a confession to the rain. This is a confession that splatters on the sidewalk. That things are disjointed and weird on planet Earth. It’s a tough place to adapt, much less adopt. Adaptation is for the prudent. What is called for is dissonance. Diffidence is a form of betrayal. It’s a syphilis of the conscience. It’s where you go when you’ve been fucked. But can’t talk about it, lest one be accused of being a necromancer, a megalomaniac, a horrendous narcissist and horrible poet, worse than Percy Dovetonsils, antimatter with halitosis, a mimesis of murk, a nemesis of creepy crawly Mississippi things, a semiotic abscissa, a blurt, a belch, a bubble of methane rising to the surface of a Danish bog. Conspiracy theorist. Pleurisy realist. Geometric irregularity. Hypercellular coiffeuse. Pirandello zombie crossing. And what is called for is unmentionable. Because it would alter reality. And show it for what it really is. And more importantly what it’s really not.

Earlier today, I heard a France Culture radio program about winter, specifically, human adaptation to winter. Gaston Bachelard was quoted with regards to the deep pleasure of sitting by a fire, either out on the open on a beach or forest glade or feeding on a few logs in a fireplace. Let’s say a stone, rather than brick, fireplace. I may be embellishing here a little. My apologies to Monsieur Bachelard. I’m paraphrasing badly. I’m paraphrasing so badly that I may be in danger of making everything up. Let’s just say, I got his point. It was hot, and crackled, and vomited sparks that whirled up the chimney in a wild delirium. "Contemplating a flame,” says Monsieur Bachelard, “perpetuates a primordial reverie. It separates us from the world and enlarges our world as dreamers." I can testify to that. Add a big glass globe of brandy and you’ve got some terrific alchemy going on. You may nod into a leaden sleep, and awaken transmuted to gold. Of course, I don't have ready access to a fireplace, nor do I drink brandy. Anything I do in the alchemical realm is achieved with words, arranged randomly in a beautiful havoc. The heat is cerebral, and arises from crisis. The light is gold, and explodes out of wildness, and peculiarity. 

I’m Just Here For The Music

One by one the words wander around like a drunken noise opening and closing for maintenance. It's difficult to throw the mind at a window and get nothing but glass. This is why we have shadows. Shadows are erratic, and words are shadows. Words are a way of undressing, as if, from head to toe, we were united by two different religions, and joined ourselves in warmth. The ideas that surge across the page, like the joints of fingers, show what distinguishes a temperament from a temperature, and how they might hang their fleece jackets on a song for the grammar surrounding them, and walk naked into oblivion.

These are hard times. Nothing is stable. But if words flow spontaneously from one idea to another until an equilibrium is reached, an abyss can dream of lava amid the sparks of the sacred and achieve full glory in a thermodynamic of impulse. A voluptuous heat will express itself in joules inside the body, and a framework of propagation will support whatever glass you choose to put in your window. I recommend tempered, with a hint of foreground, glazed with paradise.  

After a friend died, we sat a black table and reminisced, fueling our conversation with cognac and wine. Later we had cassoulet and clafoutis. A toast was made. And the spirits remained quiet. And the candles went out. And there was sudden laughter. And a ghostly image sitting in a corner of France, on a warm day in August, watching the seagulls, and the jolliness of the waves.

With or without a neuron, we find the frontier where our identities are hungry for an alliance with something larger than a tilted pony and grander than an airplane. A total lack of moderation or constraint can be a source of filigree and untangle our knots. This will require lampshades and parodies of erotica. The lives we lead when we’re sleeping are different than the lives we inhabit in our lyceums. Here is where a little sorcery can be serviceable. It is a candle of such bald vagueness that it seems like ants to an agate, and will blow our minds to the rampant winds, where the windmills creak and the houses are deserted and empty and the horses just chew their grass and ruminate. It’s always the intervals, the places between the cities that offer the most potential. But there is one drama in particular that prepares us for Brown Willy, Cornwall, and you can’t fit it in a word. It’s too indulgent. Too bloody dynamic. It successfully predicted the existence of antimatter, the intrinsic spin of desire, magnetic moments of pure idleness, and Cher on TV. I can’t say it’s what it isn’t when it isn’t what it isn’t. And all the meanings it expands. It just doesn’t work. And for that, I commend it. And recommend it. And feed it everything I have.

Which isn’t much, incidentally. But nothing is written in stone, besides lichen. Any circumstance, however impoverished, can be compensated by a generous spirit. It all comes down to perception. Take a watermark, those semi-transparent logos identifying ownership or copyrighted intellectual property. A watermark is a reverie of lines, be it fuchsia or an assortment of clouds, which are the silent songs of the air. You can choose to interpret as a thing of beauty or a pesky point of law with a decorous appearance. In this instance, it is clouds. It is drifting. It is that interval between paying strict attention to the details of this world and not paying attention at all, which is a blatant inaccuracy since our language must be bent a little to accommodate a circumstance of some vagueness, a phenomenon outside the empirical realm, in which the mind is as large as the sky and just as casual in its occupation of space.

From one end to the other of the blazing February sky was nothing but a desultory convoy of clouds. They moved like worms, satisfying their needs with a long slow undulation, while below, the infinite calm that inhabits the shores of paradise carried in its currents the ash of a long full day. This is how things become cathedrals. Details of crepuscular light ignited the trees while dynamos of fresh new sensation held me in thrall as I clawed at the threads of my old armchair. Themes of heavenly dispensation pulsed through my veins like cosmic gold. I’m a man of the world, a traveler, but I’ve never seen a backstage rain unleash itself with such force onto the stage of existence and inscribe its meaning in so many streams and mosses.

Our flair returns when I find my being is on our side of the predicament. Which is to say, it’s a matter of stellar importance, this overwhelming confusion, this parable of hunger. You can feel it coming. You can feel it squirm in your body like a like an emotion and struggle to put into words what is largely anathema to any language: the inability to say one simple thing about linoleum. So many experiences are made of ochre and dirt. While many other aspects of our passage through life reveal so many beautiful things, such as the phosphor of ancient bones in Colorado moonlight or summer oils shining on a young woman's skin, there are things that elude a simple assessment and require a deeper probe, a deeper application of our faculties.

Often thoughts, one after another, several at once, tumbling around like clothes in a dryer, have the curious effect of moving me as far away as possible from the granularity of brick into the hypnotic regions of prestidigitation. This comes from watching the washing machine too long.

Prestidigitation is a common side effect of writing. It involves quick, nimble finger movements to entertain or deceive an audience, and is a worldly inflation of one's power to inflict a maximal amount of change upon the things that make one sad.

It helps, sometimes, to think of words as small, crawling, soft-bodied invertebrates with wills and agendas of their own, but which generously include our thoughts in their parade, indecorously shrouding reality with the intoxications produced by the power of effusion.

Accidents do, sometimes, occur. A bitter month or lever which has a pleated surface, usually striped, becomes languid when splashed with darkness. And sometimes a brilliant idea shines like a shooting star, deconstructing logic and prophesying UFOs.

Ed Dorn’s Gunslinger, for example, where the words are bullets and the horses are wise.

At home, I am sometimes myself, sometimes a weird and distant tone, sometimes a bare minimum, sometimes a highly impractical objective, and sometimes a remote periphery on the outskirts of reality crazy about bears and confetti. Tonight, I arose from a crash of hydraulics and metal in an effort to find the molecular core of poetry. I’m not looking for answers. I’m looking for delegates. I am looking for a narrative that I can fill with the dark energy of negotiation. I’m looking for a way out. I’m looking for a way in. There are rumors from other worlds, as always, but none with a highway to paradise. The truth lies in what we cannot do without and what we cannot impose on others; therefore, there is never enough balance to achieve a happy medium. That's why life is often so trying that you can't put it in a story without backing away and surprising yourself with a confession. But let’s not get too personal. I’m just here for the music. This isn’t a time for parables and lessons. It’s a time for resistance. And whatever feeds the soul.  

Somewhere Between The Goon Show And Proust

It’s fascinating to watch someone play the piano. Fascinating to watch the flutter of hands amid all the music stands. Everybody looks so calm. I’d be terrified of fucking up. Getting a cramp in my hand. Poking somebody in the eye with my violin bow.

The piano is a percussion instrument. It builds architectures of sound with little hammers. The top of my head flies off like the lid on a cookie jar. And I see things for the first time as they truly are, not as they appear to be. Literature is constructed a little differently. It's built with the murky teakettles of supposition. It’s a rebellion of empty chairs and frenetic combustibility. Its strategies focus on titillation, the fine hairs of the pubis as well as the heavy thuds of the glans. But its true fuel is a combination of gloom and spaghetti. An artist must trust her pain. There are empty bottles and torn pillows strewn all over the place. An arthritic magician lowers himself paragraph by paragraph into a novel held together by a frayed rope and a nylon consciousness. This is truly where it begins. The night Merry Clayton shoved the heavy glass door of Sunset Sound Recorders open and shouted rape and murder in her pajamas.

The doors are always open in Proust. But Françoise is petulant. Albertine will be dropping by around midnight. This is scandalous. But this is how it’s done. There has to be this shift in our understanding before the league of whistles breeds its vehement futility. And perhaps, while our mind goes wandering among all the new impediments, strange implications and wide-open dilemmas, our benevolence spreads by undulating waves a malleable tale of cracks and buttocks before the mountain begins to speak its language of stars.

Language is the house of Being. My advice is to grab a book and stay in your room. Things are getting dire at the home office. Everything is hectic with clothing. I shave in a mirror of pronouns. I need to look interesting and incomprehensible. At least as half as intriguing as Saturday. I walk across a consonant to open a vowel. Out comes a blaze of hawthorn. I begin to feel oblong. I do parlor tricks on a high wire. The hole in the knee of my jeans is expanding as rapidly as the country hollows from the inside out. If I move against the grammar that has been hammered into our expectations of life I come near to an understanding of our true predicament below the handstand of an extenuating circumstance. And this helps me understand oblivion. Not as a negation, but a prairie.

We garden adjectives in a field of adverbs. The self becomes a kind of throw rug. A personality is generally about what forces assemble us. The braid is insignificant. What counts is talk. You can heal things with language. You can instigate things with language. Take a long wide look at your incentives. Shadows rupture from a brief but startling emotion. Many noses are archaic, or arch youthfully in abstraction, only to become so later.  Pollock only dripped for 48 months. Huge canvases shoved around. Flopped on the floor. Thuds so loud I could actually feel them physically impact my ear drums. It made me breakable. Which is good. I like bending the rules. All my efforts were fat, poorly developed, and timid. But they resulted in a surge of nervous excitement and a heart-wrenching melody. This just goes to show that you can achieve wonders of pyrotechnic glory, but if you can't turn a mule into a butterfly, you haven't done anything extraordinary. Therefore, let the lamp happen inside its milk. Think of this as a bridge to elsewhere. Every time I see a horse, I fill with the shimmer of its being.

A lot of people ask questions about Hegel’s dialectical method. It is a mechanical sewing machine from history known for its borders and gardens. I kiss its animatronic morality with the steam and participation it deserves. I hear the parables crackling about it. While not inherently harmful, prolonged holidays on an elevator can cause awkward implications or holes in one's logic. We want this, because everything that is needed at the moment when we do something else under the same conditions as the tropics will be comical, and we must consider another question. I can see what it does to the roots. The abstract has a beautiful black eyelash based purely on the caprice of any given moment. It's largely a flirtation with movement, despite the many imponderables uniting our bananas. And you know as well as I do that a dream of sand has many implications, ripples caused by wind and wave, the foam of the moment, and is a future with a junkyard in it. There is one fabrication for the ocean that sleeps in all of us, and that is who we are, who we were, who we aspire to be, who we will never be, and who we try hard not to be. Everything else is a shadow of some higher reality. I’m reaching for you out of this seclusion.  I'm heading towards a Saturday in another country. Would you like to come with me? You don’t have to pack. I carry a big house with me wherever I go because it's a source of beautiful friction.

This house is a demonstrable calculus of pins and bas-relief. It’s how I operate. I refine an unpopular opinion by sharing a saga of herding words in a dream of sand. The cricket's well-being is what makes my furrow so spoonful. So blackberry. So nearby. So faraway. So recumbent. So delicately embroidered. So strangely unembarrassed.

Elevators offer us a brief limbo between The Goon Show and Proust. I juggle plates and concepts. Breakfast is a beacon to the naked eye. This style of drilling was featured on the Spirit Express. I’m screaming this is my elevator but what good does it do? The sapphire that sleeps in a faith until it becomes a coconut wire is another knee on the quantum future of jellyfish. As the fluctuations of Earth inspire a prosody engorged with duende while a raw element in the melody grasps at a useful anguish, these changes take on a life of their own in Spain. This is the old saga beside the new cream. Don’t get a knot in your jodhpurs. Hold my jelly while I humor the jar it came in. They seem to know me personally about a winch. I think these words are too small to support a garbage truck. But they will support a memory. Who remembers The Lobsters from the glorious 60s? They were a little known band that played the clubs around Vegas. They had a hit song. Poker is a game based on drapery. But just let me get my claws on the Queen of Hearts and I’ll show you all the eerie feelings I can’t describe in words. It’s not an envy. Not a spin cycle. Not a bitter realization. Not a wad of money. Not a sad example. It’s nothing like that at all. It’s a spoon with an elaborate handle. It’s an old man playing a concertina. It’s a wedge of ice cream. It’s ha ha ha ha I told you so. And a drop of rain zigzagging down a window pane. In Zaragoza.