There Are Places I Remember

When we visit a place, we don't leave it behind. Depending on the extent of our experience with it, we bring a significant part of it back home with us. Not just photographs and memories, but the spirit of the place, the subtleties of the air, the intricacies of its architecture, the flavors of its food and language. It brings about a shift in consciousness. It alters our overall perspective, our Weltanschauung. I have felt this most acutely in visiting Paris, France. In a visit of a mere five days that occurred eleven years ago, I still feel it. I feel the depth of certain emotions I experience when, for example, on a foggy late afternoon in August, I saw the four Evangelists from the Book of Ezekiel at the top of the Tour Saint-Jacques. It was sublime. It was enchanting. It awakened depths of feeling in me that were new to my being. It was similar to the effect certain key poems have had on my existence. The opening lines of T.S. Eliot’s “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock,” for example: “Let us go then, you and I, / When the evening is spread out against the sky / Like a patient etherized upon a table.” I had a friend that used to recite those lines at key moments and it always put me in a good mood. The grace and musicality of those first two lines followed immediately by the grotesque image of a patient etherized upon a table always cracks me up. It evokes the inherent majesty of life then punctures it with the ghastly reality of its horrific mortality. It awakens something both impish and noble, something ungainly and provoking in that strange art called poetry, which is a creaking carousel in a drugstore full of postcards published in The Twilight Zone. There are geographies of the soul, metaphysical frontiers that shield the enchantments of the sublime from the mediocrity of the mundane. The French have a word for it: le dépaysement. Being transported out of the familiar into the unfamiliar. I’ve got another word for it: odometer. My face is an odometer. Look hard enough & you’ll all the miles I’ve traveled. Rambled. Ambled. Gallivanted. Wandered. All while sitting in my chair.

Writing always feels clumsy at the outset. I find myself grabbing at words and finding entanglements and knots, semantic squeaks and faulty headlights. I fold it to get a shape like La Place de la Bastille, then sit back and comb my hair. I start to wonder what the hell am I doing? The more lucid things get the more obscure they become. I make a net of words, toss it into the void, then tug it in to see what kind of catch I’ve got, which invariably turns out to be something too calcareous to grow into zithers. In other words, words like to play tricks. They excel at creating illusions of reality, but fail hilariously in trying capture it. Is it possible that words, which are essentially hallucinatory, aren’t really designed to mimic reality, but invariably end by creating their own reality? To quote Emerson: “words are finite organs of the infinite mind. They cannot cover the dimensions of what is in truth. They break, chop, and impoverish it.” But do they always? Impoverish it, that is. Because the contours and consonants of any single moment are encrusted with a million other moments, and that is most certainly a sign of wealth. Each word is like a suitcase in which eternity has been folded into meaning like a cashmere sweater. It’s a never-ending pilgrimage, a shattering music with the heart of a chameleon. It’s awkward like a charging rhinoceros: faster than you think, and unstoppable. Unless, of course, you’re Hemingway. He always barges in at the wrong moment. It’s why I continually lose my place, and spend hours turning the pages, trying to find that moment, the one I haven’t yet written, which is gripping a fencepost in Wyoming as a bend in the road reveals the sudden splendor of haiku.

I remember a night in eastern Montana, nestled out on the prairie in a sleeping bag, looking up at the universe, the gazillions of stars moving across the sky. I couldn’t sleep so I spent well over an hour just staring at them, the stars, the constellations, the meteors and planets and eerie obscurities, eternity itself putting on a show for the benefit of anyone interested, and was enthralled to see those stars move, which, of course, was the planet moving, Planet Earth, my one and only home in the universe, enjoying its sensations, breathing its sweet air and wrestling with its propositions, its bristly grass and dinosaur bones buried deep in sedimentary layers of sandstone and siltstone and bentonite clay. The erosion over years revealing the skull and jaws and spine of a Tyrannosaurus rex, or the solid bony neck frill of a triceratops. It was a night in which I felt on a visceral level the immensities of space and time and how it all mingled in some of the tiniest of things, the petals of a blue-eyed Mary or the bright yellow flowers of a prairie thermopsis. The barnyard smells and musty woodiness of old-timey saloons, the scent of lavender in farmhouse kitchens. People often say that staring up at the grandness and infinite splendors of a clear night sky makes them feel small. It doesn’t make me feel small. It makes me feel huge. Not in a Trumpian megalomaniacal way, but in a mystical connected-to-everything way. In a how utterly strange it is to be alive way. To be in a body which functions without my slightest input, but does it with cellular interaction, & the wonders of DNA. I’m just happy to be along for the ride.