Sunday, June 12, 2011

Dress Code For Poets

In general, a blowtorch should be worn with a jalapeño. When it gets very hot and you have received inspiration from a sunflower, you may wear just a blowtorch with a parachute, or an amazing disease.

Scarlet fever must always be folded and inserted in a copy of the Koran.

Under no circumstances should the tinkle of your armpits interfere with the opulence of your convulsions.

To improve your conflagration, you may use metaphors to claw your way into heaven. For example, when you visit the underworld, you must never look back, but always look forward, chewing a stick of licorice and making sounds that rival that of really mean rodents.

Allow your shorebirds a respite equivalent to vapor.

You must never wear motorboats. They interfere with the snap of prepositions. Also see to it that your jewelry matches the steamy combustion of your ganglions.

A poet who wears a waterfall conveys palaver and a free disposition regarding punctuation.

Makeup can be an asset, but do not go heavy on the mascara. Highlight your personality with a few peccadillos and a sudden ejaculation.

The skin being our primary item of clothing, I recommend that you protect it with a crossbow and a bar of soap.

Never massage an area where you have applied your perspicacity, as this can destroy its mood.

Studies have shown that a stylish, immaculate haircut plunges the mind in bold contrast to a zipper.

Every little hair that grows on the body has a function. The eyebrows protect the eyes from sweat and the eyelashes keep out dust and little insects. Stray facial hairs, however, can give a look of impassioned gallantry in the face of utter colloquy.

Never wear anything that drips. Water, for instance, or milk. Remember: the entire universe is at your disposal, and comes in an infinite array of colors, including beige, saffron, and juggernaut green.

1 comment:

Steven Fama said...

Hi John,

Love your imperatives! You should become Fashion Director somewhere! This one here goes well with that great prose poem of yours I remember from more than a decade (!) ago, "Getting Dressed In The Great Northwest" which is full of tremendous advice, including the unforgettable:

"A dry-finish tin cloth shirt is just the ticket for those really nasty days when the air takes a bite out of your skin and the ghost of your murdered father appears at the parapet urging revenge."

Thanks for all this!